suppjawn

I had a gay best friend, he was my only gay best friend. Now, he’s gone & this is how my heart breaks.

Woke up at 5:30AM to call Michael to wake his ass up, like I said I was. He woke up 10 minutes before I did.. -__- Talked to him a bit before I went back to sleep.

I had a nightmare. It scared the fuck out of me. I had a dream that I was driving home and it was so quiet and I hear my sisters and my mom screaming. I hear my sister screaming out, “Call the cops! We’re getting robbed!” And I drove home as quick as I can. All I see was all these people running inside my house and stealing shit and keeping my sisters and mom hostage. Then, I woke up.

Today felt so off. I have no clue why.
Went with my sister Michelle to get tickets for Fresh Squeezed. She got four & I got two for myself. Later, I texted my friend to see if he was gonna go still. Being indecisive that I know he is, he said, “I don’t know.” I was like fuuuuck. Then later, he told me he isn’t going to flake on me and I felt so relieved. Him & I started to talk about random shit. It felt kinda good ‘cause I haven’t talked to him like this in so long and I missed it so much. I think now, he’s asleep. o:

Now, the only thing that is on my mind is.. what am I going to do on the 4th of July? I wanted to spend it with him. But, I have no clue where we stand. Also, I don’t want to ask ‘cause I am afraid of the answer. All in all, today was okay. Better than what I’ve expected.

Slowly, I’m regaining back my happiness.

and i can’t feel the way that i used to feel and i can’t
say the words that you used to hear and
you can’t understand and i can’t
quite explain.

I am confused. I don’t know if I should be grossed out or be offended.

Either way, I can’t believe I saw something in you.

Bad case of the Mondays.

V-necks. Cut up shirts. Electro. Dubstep. Scion XA. Feather hanging from the mirror. Your piece. Your smile. Your dimples when you smile hard. Your laugh. Our necklaces. American Apparel. Cotton On. Astroboy. Adventures. “Never a dull moment.” I love yous. “You’re so cute, baby!” Sadness. You being excited. Shuffling. Drinking. Friends. Venice Beach. Pasadena. 420Fest. Your brother’s house. Radio. Random pictures of each other. Kisses. Naps. Super Smash Bros Brawl. New era hats. Eye gunks. The park. Family. Crying. Holding hands. Sweet embraces. Sweetheart kisses. Waking up to each other. Us being the last to see each other before we fall asleep. Dancing in the car. Sushi. Cheesy sayings.

Wow.. I’m totally speechless.
Happy “could’ve been 2 months”, kiddo..

Life has been looking up for me.

EDC - was fucking amazing. Afrojack was boss. I always wanted to see him and I got my wish come true.
The next morning, I get a text saying good morning. And I haven’t gotten that in a while.. it felt good to know that I was on someone’s mind once they woke up. I didn’t know who it was so I fell back asleep. Woke up later at 3PM. Got another text saying, “Danng, forgot about me already, eh?” And I immediately knew it was! It was someone who took very good care of me at EDC. Who made me let go of everything. It felt amazing.

Heist at the Avalon was funnnnn! Spotted a mister in a blue and white striped shirt dancing all kinds of cute. Wearing a fitted hat. Hahaha. I knew we locked eyes for couple of seconds. I am so going back there next week!

Today holds the day where him & I would’ve celebrated our two months if we hadn’t broken up. And you know what I am doing today? Going on a date.

I wish I can be there for you. I hate to see you like this..

Drugs. Night life. Love. Carefree. Euphoria. Music.
We’re gonna dance.. the way we feel.

Tonight, hung out with Ashley and her boyfriend. It was my first time meeting him and he’s such a good guy. I like him for her! I never seen her like that and it made me feel happy for her.

It kicked in. Thoughts of us. Everything she did to him, was everything I did for my ex. It made me sad. I felt the love. I miss that feeling a whole lot. Though, I love seeing people in love, just reminded me I was in it before and it felt amazing.

But, I won’t let this get to me. We’re on our own separate paths now.

Hahahah, what the fuck did I see in you? You’re just as pathetic as your ex. You want him back and he has a boyfriend. But, you two had one thing in common, you both are unfaithful.

I’m fine without you now. You make me laugh.

Though, I hated it every time you played this song.. there are really good lyrics I can relate to right now.

I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes
Hate in my heart, love in my mind
I seen nights full of pain, days of the same
You keep the sunshine, save me the rain
I search but never find, hurt but never cry
I work and forever try, but I’m cursed, so never mind
And it’s worse, but better times seem further and beyond
The top gets higher the more that I climb
The spot gets smaller, and I get bigger
Tryna get into where I fit in, no room
But soon it be on,
‘Cause all the bullsh*t, it made me strong”

Eddie.

Alejandro.

Franc.

Four of us. Raising hell.
Life just gets better from here.

loveStruck.
April 27, 2010

These past few days has been nothing but magical. Been hanging out with Julien almost everyday & honestly, I can say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Little did I know, we have so much in common. He’s almost everything I want in a guy. Trust him? Slowly.

Every night, when he drops me off.. I get scared to wake up in the morning and I get something from him telling me that we’re done. But, it didn’t happen. I’m way too scared to lose this guy. I’m not used to all this niceness & all this effort, just to keep me.

For once, I feel like I am worth something to somone.
And I’m glad its with you.

I cry every time when I listen to this song. Darling, you don’t know what you’re doing to me. Come back to me already. I admit, I need you in my life. I just need you to be here by my side to remind me everything is gone. When you took that way, you also took my heart away.

Not a moment goes by where I do not think of you. Every little memory, is filled with you.

Like when we went to that party with Jenni and Kyla.. remember how you pretended to be a super ultra gay guy dancing, prancing around with your hand in the air? Hahaha, it was so cute. I couldn’t stop laughing. Or that day we were in front of Davids and you looked me into my eyes and told me I was the best thing that has ever happened to you and you loved me dearly? The first time we hung out, we both didn’t know we were falling for one another.. I tried to hold back to like you, but, I couldn’t help it. You paid for almost everything. You made me smile. I was happy. You met my sister and you thought she was mean. Hahaha. Oh goodness. Your love is one of a kind. But, also.. do you remember that one time at Bonnie’s? Where we both ate pizza and crazy bread and watched Pocahontas? Time seriously stood still at that time. Just being with you and I realized.. I want this for the rest of my life. I am so foolish for the way I have treated you.

Here, I suffer. You’re gone. You were my number one. I want it all back. Feeling so emotions of happiness all at once.. You brought the best out of me, kiddo. And I just want it back. I am done fighting. I am done worrying. I am done assuming. I am done being a dickhead boyfriend. I just want us back. So, please..

“Not saying it will work. I just feel better that way.
It hurts as much as it did the day it happened.
I know I’ll get better soon. I know it.

But, this time, just let me have me time.
To sort this all out.

‘Cause truly and deeply, I will never forget him.
I love him like no other. Yeah, there might be someone
better in the future. But, I loved being at where I was.

I do not want to get to know anyone. Build myself once again.
At least this time, if he does take me back, I know my limits.
And it won’t hurt as much as the first time.

Kiddo, my life is full of hope. My life is also a sad story.
But, this is my life. I’ve been doing fine living it.”

Lesson learned: can’t save someone who has lost themselves into bitter agony & fake friends. You only become one of them.

Not knowing from what’s wrong and what’s right. I was your conscious and I did not mind it one bit. The way I cried for you, was if you were dead. How pathetic of me. I can never hate you. I can never ignore you. I only know one thing to do, is to love you. You haven’t lost one bit of loving from me.

I know what you’re doing. I do. I appreciate that. ‘Cause finally, you’re doing this on your own. I know I matter to you. I know that somewhere in your heart that you still want it to work out. But, you know what? While you’re figuring this all out, I’ll be doing my own thing.

I do not think of you any less. I see you as the same boy I once called my own. Cute, spunk, funny, contagious smile, your big eyes, your facial expressions, and of ‘course, the way you loved me. Kiddo, no one loved me like you did and that’s why I was tripping out.. ‘cause I never ever want to lose that.

In time, things will get better.
You’ll come to your senses.
I love you, for always,
Julien Sebastian Gonzalez. Yours truly,
Lildinosaur.

With the actions already aware, lets just walk away and let it fix on its own. No, its not like that at all. You have to take responsibility for your actions, especially if its for the worse and if its hurting someone you “care” about. But, thats just me. When I make my mistakes, I man up to it, to make everything better. ‘Cause you know what? I like to know how people feel and if its any way I can make it better. A smile on their face, is all I need. ‘Cause I am that kind of person.

But, another thing, I have to realize how everyone is not like me. Everyone does it differently. Most don’t do it all. Selfish. Think about no one but their own.

What I really am trying to say is, with all of this happening.. I can never find it my heart to walk away. Especially on something I worked so hard for. To gain trust upon. To make YOU happy. I didn’t know my limitations when I was rubbing your face against with our problems. Yes, OUR problems. ‘Cause it wasn’t just me or you anymore, it was us. No matter how much it was going to hurt, knowingly, I’d risk it. And thats all I ask for in return. I can’t just walk out of your life like that. I’ve done so much to just leave it behind. Walk out of mine, for your needs to get a peace in your mind. We are both very emotionally drained. Me, especially.

My Dad had a talk with me earlier. He’s not mad at what you did. He understands you’re just as confused and that your will power isn’t as strong as mine. He said, everything gets worse then it gets better. IF you let it. Thats the curveball. If. When your life collided with mine, you signed into someone who’s willing to live for one another’s happiness, love, sadness, madness, & to be there, always. But, what I don’t get is.. why are you so negative? Why are you so scared? You said you never had anything real. Here you go, darling. This is real. You hurt someone you loved the most in the process of finding it real. And I still forgive you.

“When sad love sounded than the lack of.”

After the day you asked me to be yours, I agreed to share my life with you. Not for one, but for everything. What was yours was mine.. and vice versa. With each passing day, I learned to “love” again. In all honesty, this whole thing may be a lie, but, I for one felt something very special. That you trusted me to love and care for you and thats all I needed.

Loving you was the only thing I know how to do. When you had no one, I was there for you. Now, I suffer from nostalgic thoughts of you & I being together. When we were happy. There is nothing time can’t heal. You’ve always made the wrong mistakes and for once, I wish you reconsider this, for the both of us. But, you’re just like me, hard-headed.

Amazing, you are. Your smile, your laugh, the way you open your mouth when your ears are clogged, & the way you moved. The littlest things, I held onto dear life for. Kid, you were mine & I am glad I got to say that you were. I love you.

Do what you want but I know who you are
Say what you want but I know what you’re thinking
Go where you want but I won’t be too far
Go where you want and I know where you’ll end up

If you fall in love, fall in love and hold nothing back
I’ll fall in love. fall in love and hold nothing back from you, oh
You oh
You oh
You

No more worrying for me.

If things do not work out, so be it. In the end, I know I did a damn well job at loving and caring for that one special person. He will always be special to me. No matter what. I just sometimes agree on his decisions and actions.

This time, I’ll be fine with or without love. If thing goes well.. You know well that you’ve done the right thing and make me the happiest man alive. If not, I won’t say it was your lost. We’re both not losing anything. I just gotta understand we both have different views.

I love you. For always, kiddo.
4.28.10

Any more problems coming my way, please believe that I’m not up for it anymore. I have too much shit on my hands. I need to find my peace of mind.

I haven’t had a good day in a while. Hung out with an old friend of mine, Anthony Cardenas. Its been two years since we’ve hung out and today felt like old times. I missed the guy.

Life has been throwing me curve balls everyday now and it feels good to have someone to talk to or to vent to. Guy to guy talk. Talked about all sorts of things: friends, life, & love.

Started off my night going to the mall to see if Suzy worked and bumped into Mr. Alejandro, with his rude ass of a way of me noticing him with an “you’re in my way” deep voice. Hahahha. Cracking jokes left and right with that guy. Went to Cotton On and Kristian got me to buy 4 t-shirts and it all came out to 56 bucks. Then, later, met up with Alejandro to hang out for a little ‘cause he was on his 30 and just chit chatted. Then, off we went to Claremont to go see my baby at Yogurtland.

On the way home, Anthony and I were talking about love. How it feels so good to be in it and it sucks to be without it. We both discovered, either way, we’re fucked. Listening to songs that made us sad.

Tearjerker: He comes out of no where with an.. “John, I don’t want to hear about you feeling all down and shit. From how long I’ve known you, you deserve nothing but the best. I can honestly say that I can never forget you. You’re one of the bestest friend I can ever ask for & for that, I am truly thankful. You’re one of a kind, John and as cliche as it sounds, I mean it. Don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that you’re not. I know what you’re going through and no joke, I wish I can I just go through it for you so you don’t have to suffer.”
Or something like that. Seriously, made me tear up. That had to be the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me.

I go ooh ooh, you go ah ah
lalalalalalalala

I can’t lie lie lie lie lie lie
I wanna wanna wanna get get get what I want
Don’t stop
Give me give me give me what you got got
Cause I can’t wait wait wait any more more more more
Don’t even talk about the consequence
Cause right now you’re the only thing that’s making any sense to me
And I don’t give a damn what they say, what they think think
Cause you’re the only one who’s on my mind
I’ll never ever let you leave me
I’ll try to stop time for ever, never wanna hear you say goodbye

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can’t resist you
It’s not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can’t forget you
Been going crazy from the moment I met you

Untouched
And I need you so much

See you, breathe you, I want to be you
Alalalala alalalala
You can take take take take take time time
To live live the way you gotta gotta live your life
Give me give me give me all of you you
Don’t be scared
I’ll see you through the loneliness of one more more more
Don’t even think about what’s right or wrong, wrong or right
‘Cause in the end it’s only you and me and no one else is gonna be around
To answer all the questions left behind
And you and I are meant to be so even if the world falls down today
You’ve still got me to hold you up up
And I will never let you down (down)

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can’t resist you
It’s not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can’t forget you
Been going crazy from the moment I met you

Untouched, untouched, untouched, untouched, untouched
Alalalala alalalala
Untouched
Alalalala alalalala

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can’t resist you
It’s not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can’t forget you
Been going crazy from the moment I met you

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here  

Taking every breath with you
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all Ican do is watch you leave?
‘cause we shared the laughter and the pain
And evenn shared the tears
You’re the only one who really new me at all

So take a look at me now
There’s just an empty space
There’s nothing left here to remind me
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
there’s just an empty space
you coming back to me is against the odds
and that’s what i’ve gotta face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
There’s just an empty space
There’s nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face

Take a look at me now
There’s just an empty space
And to wait for you is all I can do
And that’s what I’ve got to face

Take a look at me now
I’m just standing here
And you coming back to me
Is against the odds
And that’s a chance I’ve got to face

So take a look at me now
Take a look at me now
Take a look at me now
Take a look at me now
Take a look at me now
Take a look at me now
Take a look at me now
Take a look at me now

Quiet now.
Your voice sings miles away
but somehow I hear your song resound
A little bit softer each day
And from my tired heart, a little bit farther away. 

Ill sing along
The whole day through.
Just do your best to hear me.
Its all you can do.

You have my attention
Like youve had all the while,
Since that first day when you made my heart smile,
With loving eyes and tired sighs that follow.
You have my attention
Like a shout through an empty sanctuary.
Speak but a whisper;
Ill hear a sermon

Ill sing along
the whole day through.
Just do your best to hear me.
Its all you can do.

Ill sing along
the whole night through.
While you sleep safely,
Ill be thinking about you.

You have my attention.

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

All my life, I fought myself.

But, today.. it feels good to not give in anymore.
Its time for a change. This time, we’ll both stick to it.
If this is love, I don’t ever want to fall out of it.

Work tomorrow. Pretty stoked.
I like having money.. especially when it sums up to 3 digits. 

Slept over the boyfriend’s house. Mama Gonzalez woke us up at 10:30AM. Mama Gonzalez, boyfriend, & I were suppose to go eat Pho, my treat. Then, go get her present from my sister.

Buying her a perfume set with body lotion and yadda yadda.

Plans changed & ate at an all you can eat sushi place. I feel like todays gonna be a good day. (:

No matter how hard we try to go back to the way things were..
I finally came to realize, that its never coming back.

Sad to say.